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Realistic Expectations
Realistic Expectations
Realistic Expectations
Expect to feel angry. Anger often occurs when we don’t get what we want, or we get something we don’t want. It is not so much the anger that is the problem, it is what we do with the anger and about the anger.
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Expect that if you do not take responsibility for your actions and your feelings, you will experience more suffering. We can
Expect to feel angry. Anger often occurs when we don’t get what we want, or we get something we don’t want. It is not so much the anger that is the problem, it is what we do with the anger and about the anger.
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Expect that if you do not take responsibility for your actions and your feelings, you will experience more suffering. We can feel angry, and it does not feel like a choice. We can feel the anger subsiding, and our heads will begin to clear but as soon as we experience not getting what we want, or getting something we don’t want, the anger returns.
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As humans, we make mistakes, all of us do.
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Expect that if you do not explain your perspective, you will not be understood and agreements will either be out of reach, or will not meet your needs. One way to deal with this is by describing your experience out loud. You will suddenly be perceived as a fallible human being with hopes and expectations like everyone else and with whom a solution is possible.
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Expect to have really difficult days when you are not sure that you can survive, and expect to have days of surprising optimism.
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Expect to be afraid, and expect your spouse or partner to be afraid even though you may believe he or she has all the power, all the control, all the money, all the influence. You are both entering the unknown future without all the usual signposts and routines and that can be frightening for anyone.
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Expect that you will need to ask people for help. If people cannot help, they will tell you. If they can help, they will feel good about themselves. And, in the future, they may need to ask you for help and it will be easier for them to do.
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Whether you work in or outside the home, when you are going through a separation and divorce, you have to hope that your clients, co-workers, employers, friends, family, children will cut you a little slack. You may not be functioning at your best during this time and it takes a long time to fully recover. It could be two, three, four or more years before you begin to feel like yourself again. Try to actively find opportunities for healing because people will be patient with you but it may not be for as long a period as you need.
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When initiating the legal/mediation process there are often a few false starts. To expect to feel 100% about your decision to separate 100% of the time can be illusive. Also, if you are hoping to mediate your Separation Agreement, both people need to be willing to negotiate. Rarely are two people at the same stage or phase of willingness to leave the marriage. In fact, like the grieving process associated with the death of a loved one, there is an important process of grieving that takes place to release oneself of the bonds and commitments of a marriage. That too is a profoundly personal process in the sense that everyone goes through it in their own way and in their own time.
When one person has been ready to start the divorce process and is anxious to begin the process and the other is not so ready, I often suggest that we move forward but at a very slow pace. In this way, the person who would like to make progress is getting their needs met, and the person who is struggling to understand and accept the coming change has time to seek out support, and gain strength to work through the issues.
It is not uncommon for one person or the other to call lawyers for initial consultations, or engage lawyers to represent them. Time is spent on the internet researching the law. Phone calls are made to experts and trusted confidants. Sometimes one person calls me on the phone to inquire about mediation during which I ask him or her to invite their spouse or partner to call me too. Sometimes the other person calls immediately, other times they call months or years later. This is not unusual.
After I have spoken to each person on the phone, I send an information packet out to both of you. After receiving the packet, some people schedule an appointment immediately, others seek psychological counseling, some hire lawyers, and sometimes people settle back into their routine without assistance from a third party.
If people choose to mediate, we schedule an initial meeting. After attending the first meeting, some people immediately schedule another appointment to continue negotiations, others implement the decisions they made in mediation (usually parenting and support) without returning to mediation for months and sometimes years. This too is not unusual.
Profound Sadness
Realistic Expectations
Realistic Expectations
In some ways, the sadness that comes with separation and divorce is something to get used to (at least for the time being). Separation and divorce is one of the more difficult things to go through and being sad, profoundly sad, is part of the process. The difficulty comes when the sadness turns into a deep depression. It is hard to kno
In some ways, the sadness that comes with separation and divorce is something to get used to (at least for the time being). Separation and divorce is one of the more difficult things to go through and being sad, profoundly sad, is part of the process. The difficulty comes when the sadness turns into a deep depression. It is hard to know when this happens but at some point you might realize you are in a hole that you cannot get out of and there doesn’t seem to be any relief. At least with sadness, there are moments, or glimpses of hope, even laughter; with depression, there is no hope.
Dealing with Sadness: Try to remember that sadness is temporary, try not to escape it. Perhaps try looking at it, not being afraid of feeling it because it will subside, flare up, subside, and eventually go away. Sadness can help us enter new avenues in our lives by forcing us to slow down, stop, and just be. But keep an eye on your sadness. Try not to choose to be sad when you have a chance of feeling better, even for just a few minutes. If you are invited to do something with a friend, you can refuse a couple times, but don’t refuse every time, ease yourself back into life slowly.
Words of Wisdom
Realistic Expectations
Words of Wisdom
Sleeping is an excellent coping mechanism. Even if you are sleeping a lot, it is far better than some other things people do to cope with these painful circumstances.
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Try to maintain your physical health because your mental health will be taxed during this period. Control what you can, and try to accept the rest.
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If you are expe
Sleeping is an excellent coping mechanism. Even if you are sleeping a lot, it is far better than some other things people do to cope with these painful circumstances.
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Try to maintain your physical health because your mental health will be taxed during this period. Control what you can, and try to accept the rest.
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If you are experiencing increased eating or excessive drug and/or alcohol use, consider viewing this as a serious warning sign and ask your friends and/or family for their assessment, and for their help. If you think professional assistance might be good for you, obtain a referral from a friend, doctor, or another person who knows and cares about you.
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Making the decision to separate and divorce is rarely one feels 100% about. People often stay together for the children even though they are not happy in their marriage. At times, life with your spouse can be pleasant, even happy, and at other times, you may feel 90% sure that you need to leave the marriage. In one moment you may feel extremely negative feelings about staying in the marriage, and an hour or a day later, you feel as though you could and will stay in the marriage for the remainder of your life.
It feels very chaotic and confusing to be going through these feelings but they are completely normal.
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Many of my divorce mediation clients have good relationships with one another. They do not hate each other. They are often devastated that the relationship is ending and are not actively blaming or taking it out on the other person. This is not uncommon. What comes with this attitude is an ability to trust the other person to fully disclose their assets and debts, and an ability to trust oneself to not take too much and not give too much. There is also trust sufficient enough to allow each person to create monthly budgets that are as accurate as possible under the circumstances.
Often people assume that it is the presence of children in the family that motivates people not to be hateful, and to be cooperative instead. While I believe that the presence of children does motivate people who might otherwise express anger and disappointment in hurtful and harmful acts and statements, couples without children who are loving and cooperative with one another in mediation is not uncommon.
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There is often a blend of profound sadness, disappointment and fear, all of which can lead to anger that is sometimes expressed in hurtful statements and behaviors. The people who complete their Agreement in mediation often try to minimize their destructive expressions of anger.
Of course it is impossible not to feel anger. And, it is often difficult to refrain from expressing it in hurtful statements and behaviors. But when people are able to take responsibility for their statements and behaviors, and apologize when they can, it can contribute to healing and ease the process of negotiations.
If people have done much of the grieving about the end of their marriage before attempting to mediate their Agreement, the mediation is often easier and faster than it would be otherwise. Those who have experienced strong feelings before the mediation are able to focus on the practical details of their separation and building a workable future.
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People best suited for mediation have a good combination of the following: A spirit of cooperation, a modicum of mutual trust and respect for one another, and an interest in sheltering their children and themselves from excessive, protracted conflict.
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When you are ready to share with your family, friends, and colleagues that you and your spouse or partner are parting ways, you can expect that they may share their own experiences and offer advice about the whole process.
Though they probably have good intentions, and may indeed be helpful to you, the process of two people ending such a significant bond is truly an individual, personal, and unique process for each couple, and for each individual within the couple. There are no right or wrong ways to go through that process, though there may be better and worse ways.